i would punch a child for taco bell
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
