so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
