im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
