Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
