wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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