The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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