He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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