Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
