My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
