I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
