i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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