My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
