every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
