He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
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