so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
time to smoke my breakfast
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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