We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
