Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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