My cat gives me a boner
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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