Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
