I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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