I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
