A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
