you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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