that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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