dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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