It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize