If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
