Kareoke will never be a sober sport
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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