Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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