I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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