It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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