I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
