i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
