Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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