Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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