i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
