he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
