I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
