Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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