i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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