The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
