Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I've blown a few things in my day
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
