I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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