Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
