Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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