i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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