if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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