You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
my poor anus
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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