I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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