have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
i think i just lost a toe
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
