So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
