i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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