I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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