Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
