i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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