Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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