my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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