Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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