i permit you to call me
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
