I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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