I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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