The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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